Mean Founders
by omelettethemusical
Summary: Me? I fought with him. Me? I died for him. And me? I like invented him! (Boo, you son of a whore.)
Disclaimer: Mean Girls is Tina Fey's. Alexander Hamilton is no one's, because he was a real historical person! Ha-ha!

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 **Washington** : We have a new soldier with us. He just moved here from Nevis.

 **Hercules** (to Lafayette): Welcome!

 **Lafayette** : I'm from France.

 **Hercules** : Great.

 **Hamilton** (VO): I'm sixteen, and until today, I was a trading clerk. And then it was goodbye Caribbean, and hello American revolution.

 **Hamilton** (to Laurens  & Hercules): Hi, I'm Alex.

 **Laurens** : I'm John Laurens. This is Hercules Mulligan.

 **Hercules** (pushing through a crowd to make way for Hamilton): Watch out, new meat coming through! Get it? Meat? Ham - never mind.

 **Laurens** : This map shows the government's central nervous system. Congress. You got the Federalists, war vets, old money, the greatest people you will ever meet, and the worst.

 **Burr** : So you've never been to a real convention before? Shut up. Shut up!

 **Hamilton** : I didn't say anything.

 **Laurens** : Democratic-republicans.

 **Hamilton** : Who are the Democratic Republicans?

 **Hercules** : The new American royalty.

 **Laurens** : James Madison. He is one of the dumbest guys you will ever meet.

 **Madison** (to Hamilton): If you're from the West Indies, why are you white?

 **Jefferson** : Oh my God, James, you can't just ask people why they're white.

 **Laurens** : Thomas Jefferson.

 **Hercules** : He has a plantation and hundreds of slaves.

 **Laurens** : And evil takes a human form in Aaron Burr. He knows everything about everyone.

 **Hercules** : That's why his notebook is so big, it's full of secrets.

 **Jefferson** (to Hamilton): We want to invite you to have committee with us.

 **Hamilton** (to Laurens  & Hercules): Burr seems… nice.

 **Burr** (sitting in a boat): Get in, loser, we're going dueling!

 **Hamilton** : Your connections are amazing.

 **Burr** : I know, right?

 **Hamilton** (VO): Being with the Democratic-Republicans was like leaving the actual world and entering the political world.

 **Jefferson** : Have you seen any bills that you think are good yet?

 **Hamilton** : There's this bill to establish a national bank.

 **Jefferson** : No!

 **Madison** : No!

 **Jefferson** : National banks are off-limits to democratic agrarian societies. That's just, like, the rules of republicanism!

 **Madison** : Yeah, voting for a national bank is political suicide! You are so lucky you have us to guide you.

 **Maria** (to Hamilton, leaning in for a kiss): You're so hot.

 **Hamilton** (looking at pages of Reynolds Pamphlet strewn on floor): Why would she do that?!

 **Eliza** : She's a life ruiner.

 **Hamilton** (VO): I knew how this would be settled on the battlefield. But this was politics. All the fighting had to be sneaky.

 **Burr** : I want to gain three Senate seats.

 **Hamilton** : Just talk less and smile more, don't let them know what you're against or what you're for.

 **Madison** (to Burr): You don't have the votes.

 **Burr** : But I talked to everyone!

 **Madison** : You could try England.

 **Jefferson** (to Burr): How come you never express any opinions?

 **Burr** : What?!

 **Jefferson** : That's why no one is voting for you.

(Burr screams in rage)

 **Washington** : Who does he think he is? I like invented him!

(delegates are lined up on congress floor waiting to read out apologies)

 **Madison** : I'm sorry I called you a Tory pig.

 **Jefferson** : I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me. But I can't help it that I'm a rich genius.

(Jefferson lets himself fall and lands on top of Madison)

 **Washington** : Walk it off, walk it off.

MEAN FOUNDERS

 **Hamilton** (to Laurens): You know who's looking fine tonight? Angelica Schuyler.

 **Laurens** : She's your sister-in-law.

 **Hamilton** : What? She's a good debater.

* * *

 **A/N** : I know that the historical Madison was super smart, but I couldn't think of anyone else to take the Karen Smith role, so just go with it. I apologize if this has been done before.


End file.
